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Some other awful truths

January 19, 2010

My life has improved exponentially since ending my relationship. I hadn’t expected this to be the case, but through compassion, friendship and laughter I am seeing the world through a different pair of eyes. My stomach no longer knots, disappointment no longer heaves on my shoulders and the 3 year cough I had resigned myself to live with stopped as soon as I hit Hawaii. I would often tell patients familiarise themselves with their bodies so that they can tune in to when things are not right, but I chose to ignore the glaringly obvious symptoms in myself. I could feel a variety of things about this but after holding on to a lot of pain during my adolescence, the best way forward has been to acknowledge and let go.

I’m lucky to have a place I can always call home yet living with my parents after years of being away has brought its own set of difficulties. I am fast learning that hiding books on domination behind the large sofa pillow *will* be found, I no longer have the freedom to bring lovers back if I wanted to and nakedness is generally confined to the bedroom. In three months, I still have not walked into the town centre out of some obscure denial (if a bottle of WKD gets smashed outside Wetherspoons and I’m not there to hear it…?) because I am having trouble reconciling the idea that I am back in the town that I spent my entire life trying to get out of.

That said, it’s not all bad and my approach to life has been fairly upbeat despite the tone here, so I generally snap out of any melancholy I’m feeling by acknowledging that my situation is transient and that my life is getting better and better. I no longer have the doe-eyed surreal optimism I had at the age of 16 but I feel more grounded and self-assured, so there’s no reason to think that the years ahead won’t be oarsome.

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