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Stop the ride, I want to get off

January 9, 2010

Throughout my medical training, I rarely got my first choice in the context of ranking activities. True fax, I wasn’t as smart of dedicated as some medics early on, nor did I care thanks to depression leaving a dull residue on my drive. As the paradox goes, I was successful in getting my first choice deanery and area to work in, except now it has left me with a jittery energy that I’m having trouble processing. I initially put it down to feeling nervous about becoming a doctor and everything that means but the truth is, I don’t want to be tied down yet. Rephrasing that, I don’t mind being tied to medicine for the forseeable future, but staying here fills me with dread as it’s harder to jump off the conveyor belt once on.

I am also aware that I’m hanging on to some nervous energy because I am fast approaching the age my father was when he died. It only took a generation but my life now to his life then is very different. I do not necessarily want the same things my father had at this age, but it’s hard going trying to relate to someone so close yet so unknown. Being an only child makes the spotlight brighter and definitely contributes to the feelings described above.

I was recently given a journal so I’ve jotted down ideas about what I could be doing come August. Stay, leave or leave and do something completely different for a while. The only thing they have in common is that I have to pass my finals, so I may as well get on with that. I’m sure I can give myself something else to be jittery about.

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